Is He Passed His Past?

Most of us have been hurt to varying degrees in our past relationships. This is certainly no different when it comes to men. Depending on the level of trauma and his emotional skills, he may or may not be over his past. This is applicable to anyone. However, men generally process and communicate differently than women. Most men need time to think things through, in order to get in touch with the emotions that are underneath, while most women are more in touch with their emotions.

If he is not resolved with his past, he may have issues with self- esteem, trusting others, and trusting his own perceptions. He may at times seem detached and not as committed as you are. This may or may not be true. The only way to find out is to ask, but you must have patience in your approach. For most women, this is very difficult, especially if you are being emotionally triggered by his withdrawal. You may want to know the answers right away, and appear clingy and insistent.

Give him space- Women tend to want to help and fix. He needs space to work out his feelings and emotions.

Take it slow- Trust is built over time. Instantaneous trust may be indicative of a problem with boundaries for both of you, so give it time. Don’t date if he or you are just out of a relationship. It is necessary to have healing time and not fill the void with someone else.

Do express your concern- Observe the behavior without being emotionally attached. “I notice you seem to be in a faraway place tonight. Would you like to talk about it?”

Don’t push- If he is not willing to talk, give him space and come back to the subject another time.

It is important to not change yourself- Do not walk on eggshells or change your behavior in attempt to make him feel better or effect a more desirable outcome. If you do this, you will begin to lose pieces of yourself and ultimately become unhappy with him, yourself and the relationship.

Be careful, you are not his therapist or his mother- As much as you want to help and fix things for him, you can’t. You must be an equal partner and both of your needs must be met in a healthy way.

Self- care- Be sure you are taking care of yourself and have your own friends, hobbies and interests. You cannot be each other’s “only”. This is not only unhealthy but puts unnecessary stress on the relationship.

Professional help- He may need professional help to resolve the past trauma if he is consistently in a place of withdrawal and avoidance. Eventually, this will kill the relationship and you deserve to be with a partner who can fully engage with you. If he is unwilling to get help, you have some decisions to make.